Sunday, September 24, 2006

Gay marriage

Who says gays and lesbians can't marry? Of course they can marry. They absolutely can. They simply have to marry EACH OTHER! C'mon gay men, admit it, a large athletic woman around the house would come in DAMN HANDY! Lawn mowing, house painting, lightbulb changing...not to mention protection from would-be muggers. And you dykes. Fashion advice? Culinary prowess? Feng Shui? Sounds brilliant to me!

Things in the boudoir won't be that thrilling you say? Oh, grow UP! Even straight couples get bored after a year or two. Is sexual incompatibility enough reason to deep six an otherwise beautiful union? I think not.

Surely I jest. Take heart! You've made some headway here. A majority of the American public supports the idea of legal civil unions for gay and lesbian pairs. Civil unions would give you many of the rights and responsibilities associated with traditional marriage. The sticking point seems to be the idea of full-fledged "marriage."

Once again, falling back on my handy Catholic upbringing, I'll shed a bit of light on this. Marriage is considered by many to have spiritual significance in addition to its legal ramifications. To most it is a sacrament which, in Latin, means "something holy." It is a visible sign, in the form of a religious ceremony, of invisible grace--God's protection and favor. Christians, most notably Roman Catholics, believe that all seven sacraments were instituted by Jesus in the New Testament.

True or not, this explains why, according to a recent poll, 54% of Americans favor gay civil unions while only 35% support gay marriage. Most Christians, and fully 84% of Americans identify themselves as Christian while 60% identify as "committed Christian" (the scarier ones) are not going to be easily convinced, if they can EVER be convinced, that God is prepared to confer his special favor on a homosexual union. They are okay if the state confers a little of ITS protection and favor...but God Almighty? NO WAY.

So I'm sorry, gays and lesbians, I know that you would love to feel that God approves of your lifestyle...but asking me to give you a legal/spiritual rite of passage is actually asking for MY approval. There are quite a few who, like me, don't feel comfortable speaking for God. So please don't ask us what he thinks. Take it up with him privately. If he's the God that I think he is, you've got nothing to worry about.

Now, in the spirit of cooperation, I have something to ask of you too. Would you please STOP TALKING about gay marriage already! Especially in an election year. You are scaring people right into the big flabby bosom of the GOP by allowing them to portray the Democratic party as the gay marriage party! The anti-family values party! You're taking the focus off of the war in Iraq, off poverty, off education, race relations, welfare reform, healthcare, global warming...the crazy cowboy in the White House. Let me tell you, the Republicans are lovin' you for it! So please please please take civil unions for the time being and shut the hell up.


T.R. said...

Yes, let's table basic human rights for the moment - god forbid the gays be entitled to them. Cry babies. How selfish demanding the same benefits as regular married couples with their own questionable moral behavior. And while you are rewriting history (since marriage was a legal and domestic institution THOUSANDS of years before Christianity) make sure you rewrite the part where Americans live in a democracy - ain't no f'n way this is a democracy.

So, if I sweep these messy, inconvenient crumbs under the table to help you get the right politician -- are you then going to fight for my families benefits and the green card that my partner has to have to live with me in my own country?

Marie said...

T.R. - This post is tongue in cheek. I personally am a civil libertarian and think that people should be allowed to do pretty much whatever they want whenever they want and with whomever they want.

I was trying to show the mindset of the conservative Christian who believes that supporting gay rights is giving approval to a lifestyle that they, in their wisdom, have decided is against the rigid laws of their rigid god. Hence the difference in statistics between those who support civil union and full-on marriage, seen by many as a religious sacrament.

I'm sorry to offend. We are in the same camp.